HELP ME.
I've not been on for a while and believe me a I feel a cheeky cow for posting a new thread without even glancing at anyone elses.
But I was SO happy.
I had never known anything like it.
I fell in love, with the best guy in the WORLD.
We moved in together 2 months ago.
A week ago he walked out saying it didn't feel right he needed time. Later on that day he said he'd be out my life forever tomorrow, because he was coming to get his stuff from the flat and signing bills over into my name.
Heartbroken angry and confused STUPID me went to the pub and got incredibly drunk, which I thought was a better idea than what I wanted to do first instinct (cut)
Turned out the new landlord of this pub is a sleazy ******* and knowing my bf and me, and my bf had already told him he'd dumped me, made it even more terrible. He was giving me free drinks all night and stupid me took them because I was in so much pain. I sat in that pub crying and shouting and flipping out over the loss of my relationship with my best friend who was also very drunk and went home, leaving me with sleazeball (btw I didn't know he was like this at the time)
Who kept giving me free drinks till the early hours of the morning then hit on me. Kept telling me all the stuff a girl wants to hear when the love of her life just finished with her, beautiful sexy, a wonderful person etc...I said no a few times, saying I needed to get out the pub but it was locked and I needed him to unlock the doors. He kept saying calm down, finish your drink stop crying before you go out onto the street. And I did. STUPID ME. The more drink I had the more upset I was getting, the more I kept saying no I love him I cant do this. But eventually he wore me down and I slept with him.
Then when I thought I had the chance to get back with my bf he asked me what had happened with new landord and I CAN'T LIE TO HIM. I CAN'T. I felt too guilty for a start even thogh we weren't together. But I never have been able to lie to him.
He hated me, he wouldnt come near me, couldn't look at me I made him feel sick, he said NASTY things that he knows aren't even true... said we would never even be friends - everything in the flat that was his has gone. Only thing I have left is a smelly tshirt which I can't was or give back to him.
I've been a zombie all week. Had 4 days off work (yeah great I have a flat I can't afford on my own rents due 1st of the month and he's not here to help pay and I have 4 days off, idiot. Not eaten much, 1 thing a day tops because my mates have forced it down me. I've been struggling all week not to cut but I think I just can't stop myself much longer.
At the weekend he stayed over, sat and sun night, we slept together 4 times in the last 3 days. Honestly it felt like old times and I thought he could see past what I did (he thinks I cheated on him I've given up trying to convince him I didn't.) I really thought we were going to be ok. He gave me so much hope, he wouldn't tell me he loved me and said he cant say it again yet. Fine. I asked him what it felt like to be at home he said normal and good.
Last night/today he's said we can only be friends.
He tried to make me eat today and I felt so ill because I've barely eaten. He said he's coming round for dinner tomorrow. He's confusing me SO MUCH. I know he loves me I know he wants to be with me its obvious by the way sunday night when he was going all I said was, babe pleease, please stay and he did.
All the hope and good feelings that had started to come back at the weekend have been ruined, I feel so depressed again, not waking up with him is the worst part and I cry myself to sleep hugging his pillows because he isn't here. Having had him back for 2 nights makes it even worse. He said he thought he could which is why he stayed but he can't.
I darent change the bed linin for not having his smell next to me while I'm trying to sleep.
I'm a mess.
I'm so sorry to post after such a long time and for the length of this post if you read it all I'd be suprised. I feel so awful. I know I hurt him but (not trying to sound childish) he hurt me first. I reacted badly. I feel guilty but I can't live without him I really can't. He has helped me through SO many issues and made me the happiest girl I ever thought I could be. And now I feel worse than I think I ever have felt because all the old issues ae oming back without him by my side.
I miss him. Im in tears right now I don't even know how I'm typing.
I love him I need him I miss him. Oh god I really can't do this.
Help me.
Gemma xx