[kamikazebaby]

I don't know if I will post this. Maybe just typing it out will be therapy enough. I just feel so down. I'll explain a bunch of backstory. This could get long.

So... Where to begin. I may be only 22 but I feel like my life has many chapters already. My childhood, which for me lasted until I was about 13, was happy. I was carefree and content. The next phase is probably 13-16. I was still okay and mostly happy but there *must* have been some underlying self-esteem issues. I don't remember that much. I was a good person back then. Innocent and kind and good. When I was 14 my grandfather committed suicide and that was a difficult time for my family. They were very emotionally shut off and I was not encouraged to go to my grandfather's funeral because they worried I would be too upset. We were not allowed to grieve.

When I turned 16 another chapter begins. A few things happened - I started 6th form and had my first serious boyfriend. In 6th form I began to feel very socially awkward. I just never seemed to 'fit in' with the rest. Everyone else seemed so easygoing around each other but I'd never know what to say and would just think everyone thought I was stupid. I have always been too concerned with what others think. Anyways, my first long-term boyfriend was a great guy called Alex. I was with him for 2 1/2 years and it was during this time that I began self-injuring. He had just come out of a relationship with a girl and I began constantly comparing myself to her and feeling inadequete and worthless. I remember the first night I cut myself was because I found photographs of him and her together. Not a big deal, I know, but it hurt me so much. I felt so, so worthless and just not good enough.

And so began my depression. My self-injury continued and Alex was really the only person who knew about it. It got more frequent and more severe, but I never sought help because I was absolutely terrified. I eventually saw a counsellor through the church we were attending, but she wasn't qualified and it eventually fizzled out. I was terrified of my parents finding out. I saw a doctor when I was 18, I think. I've been on three medications since then; fluoxetine, citalopram and sertraline. None have helped, really. The counselling I've had has been too infrequent to really help.
In the summer of 2005, three things happened in quick succession. Firstly we discovered my father had been having an affair. Thus my illusion of the perfect marriage and the perfect family were destroyed. Also, Alex broke up with me. I was heartbroken. I wanted to marry that guy. I depended on him - he was basically my only support (which was part of the reason he broke up with me). Also, I had just completed my first year at uni studying to become a primary teacher and was not enjoying it, so I dropped out.

2005 was not a good year. My dad continued living with us for an entire year - working all day (with the woman he was having an affair with), then coming home, eating the dinner my mum cooked him and pretending like everything was fine - and no one knew or was allowed to know. It was a painful secret. He kept promising he'd move out but it took him a year to do that. It drove me insane. That was really hard.
I think it was around this time too that my parents found out about my self-harm and depression. Mum noticed some scars and questionned me on them. I was mortified. She was upset, but comforting. However, instead of heeding my wish that my father not be told, she told him. He was absolutely furious. I've never seen my dad that angry. Ever. He shouted and screamed at me - at one point I thought he was going to break something. I just sat there and cried. My God. Even thinking about that makes me feel so, so terrible. And the best part - instead of sticking up for me, my mum sat there and took his side. Previously she'd said I could talk to her if I needed to and that she would try to help. Five minutes later she's agreeing with my dad that I'm useless and have no need to hurt myself and that they're furious with me.

I met my next (and last) partner towards the end of 2005 - a nice end to an absolutely horrible year. I think 2006 or 2007 begins the next chapter, which is slightly happier, thankfully. David and I became engaged and I got into Reading University to study Psychology, which I love. I was still very depressed at this point - though cutting much, much less (I think I stopped altogether in 2007). The circumstances of my life were better, though. In fact David and I got married in September 2007 and that was a very happy time. I even remember thinking 'I don't think I'm depressed anymore' which is amazing - I can't remember what that felt like now but I remember thinking that so it must have been real.

2008 marks the present chapter. The downward spiral. I'm very happy in my marriage but the depression seems to have come back full force. I have no friends where I currently am. I don't have the energy to make them or keep them and socialising is a bit of a chore for me. I'm busy with uni, my part-time job and I'm volunteering as well to try to improve my CV. I have exams coming up (first one out of eleven this thursday) and I'm so stressed and I'm not going to do as well as I want to. I haven't revised enough and I have no confidence for them. I've done pretty well so far (in fact I got a scholarship this year) but I just feel like I'm totally floundering now, barely keeping my head above water. I want to sleep all the time. I'm constantly tired. I'm anxious and stressed and depressed. I've been put on the highest dose of sertraline and it's still not doing anything. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow so I guess they'll finally take me off it. I'm seeing the university counsellor but it's supposed to be short term which means I can only have two or three more sessions, which sucks, because I actually get on well with the counsellor.

I'm just so tired and weary. Last week I cut myself to a degree that I haven't done in a long time. I just need to stop for a while, to not have responsibility. I want the exams to be over and then I might be able to cope better, but I have a month before that happens. I'll probably (hopefully?) be working full-time in the summer because I've applied to carry out a research project at my uni. I'm just so tired and am not coping very well.

I applaud you if you read all that, and I appreciate it a lot. I'd love some support or kind words because I just feel so down and so tired and the self-hating voice is so strong.

I'm sorry for the long post.