Thanks everyone.
My thoughts go to "I'm more trouble than I'm worth" - at work, because of the adjustments they make for me for my illness [depression complicated by PTSD and personality disorder stuff] There's part of me that doesn't feel like I deserve it and that I should, like my father assaulted mum and I with when I was a child "go away and rot".
These self destructive and insecure thoughts actually take a lot of energy - and take away my energy and vitality. It takes energy and focus to confront them and believe in myself and others who do actually care enough about their job to care about me ["how can that even be possible?"]
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