Heya there *Hugs you* Im really sorry that your feeling like this. Im incredibly sorry that things are so painful for you. You dont deserve this at all. It doesnt make you a sick person that you smile when you self harm or for wanting pain. Could you talk to us about what it is that makes you harm yourself? Your not a sick person at all. Do you have any support at all? You mention that you dont want to see a therapist at all, but could you tell us why you dont want to see a therapist? None of us can make you see a therapist, but you have to realise that there is only so much we can do to help you.
I do understand that this is difficult for you, but if you dont get support for this then things will only get worse. Can you talk to us about what it is thats making you feel like this? Is there something going on in your life at the moment that is making you feel like this? Have you tried distractions at all? Distractions are a much healthier way of dealing with this situation, distractions dont hurt you, harming yourself does and is also extremly addictive. Please remember that we are all here for you and that this isnt something that you will have to go through on your own. We will do the best we can to support you.
This is why its so hard to stop, once you start its incredibly difficult to stop. There lots of different distractions that you could have a go at trying, like going out for a walk, listening to music, doing jobs to keep yourself busy, dancing, watching a movie or posting on the fun and distractions forum. This link also has lots of other distractions that you could try
http://www.recoveryourlife.com/forum...ead.php?t=1403 i hope that this link is of some benefit to you. Please try not to be so hard on yourself, the more you do this the harder things become. Trust me i used to be extremly hard on myself and it just made things worse for me. It really doesnt help at all. Please try to be as gentle with yourself as you can. Take things in small steps a day at a time. Please take it easy. Keep talking ot us.
Take care best wishes Ian xxxxxxxx