[Trucktastic]

Long, boring post with no real reason for it apart from to bemoan my lot in life.

How do people decide what they want to do in life? A friend of mine says she always wanted to be in investment banking. Why? She can’t explain that one.
My problem at the moment seems to be that I really can’t stand being me any more, or a pharmacy trainer.
I hate it. It’s really boring and I really really really want to do something else. But I don’t know what.
I have a degree in history and archaeology and wanted to do that, so recently I applied for a job in a local museum (they advertised for a trainer for their museum) – thought that I had the right qualifications (history and archaeology degree, and lots of training ones too) but got an email back saying I didn’t have the right qualities so wasn’t shortlisted.
I also recently applied to be a training assessor for the police force near where I live, they wanted an assessor to assess the assessor qualifications (lots of s’s in that one!), which I have been doing for a while, but just in pharmacy. I got through to the interview stage, but didn’t get the job, again I didn’t have the right qualities.

The only thing I do know is that I don’t want to be doing this any more. I don’t want to be writing the same things over and over again – refer to the pharmacist if unsure, tell the patient to do this, that and the other, it’s illegal to charge VAT on human private prescriptions, proton pump inhibitors do that. Blah blah blah blah

So, what do I do now?

I’ve uploaded my CV to Monster.co.uk, have had a couple of people call me with jobs – that haven’t gone any further than interview or first phone call.
I have another 30 years to work before I can retire, but I can’t be spending it doing this.

I feel really crud at the moment – I feel as if I’m a complete failure. I don’t know what I want to do, I just know what I don’t want to do, and that is pharmacy, banking, teacher, anything to do with kids…
But I think mainly I don’t want to be me.
I don’t want to be:
Who I am
Where I live
What I look like
What I feel like

In fact I don’t want to have anything more to do with me. Is that possible? I’ve said to people before: “if you don’t like it, do something about it” and have had that said to me too. But it’s not that easy, I know that now. I am trying to do something about it, but it’s not working very well.
What I really want to do is sell everything apart from my car and a few clothes, and my laptop, and just go somewhere else. But then when I think about that, I question myself again:
What about my cats?
What about my parents?
Where would I go?
What would I do if I came back?
Why would I go?
How would I go?
Would it make me feel better?

And then the other question that haunts me a lot of the time rears it’s ugly head again:
Why don’t I just drive my car very fast into a wall and deal with it that way?

I can pretend to myself that I have changed since the last time I attempted that, that I have gotten better. But I know I haven’t. The only thing that has changed is that I now take meds for it, but, as this post will say, they don’t work all the time. Or they mask it for some time, but then it manages to fight against the chemical mask, and rear’s it’s ugly head again.
And I’m lost.
Again.

Last night I really wanted to do myself some damage (SH-wise) but I didn’t. Now I feel bad that I didn’t. I feel bad because I didn’t feed that black creature that hides behind my skin – I know that because I didn’t feed it, it’s only going to get more angry, more ugly, and more black and depressed. But I don’t want to feed it – it’s a bit like the plant from Little Shop of Horrors – once I start feeding it, I can’t stop feeding it. It yells at me ‘Feed me now!’
And at the moment giving in to it feels like the best thing to do.
But is that going to make me feel better in the long run?
No. I’ll just have another load of scars on top of the ones I already have. It won’t be a change, I’ll still be struggling on with this existence: driving to a place I don’t want to be, doing something I don’t want to do, going home to a place I don’t want to be.
Then getting messages from my Dad telling me to speak to his sister who has spent years telling the rest of our family and I’m not part of it and never will be since I was adopted. Apparently she’s had some heart surgery and he wants me to let her know I care.
I was surprised that they actually found a heart in her.
Then I also get a message from my Mum telling me to contact my brother because he’s drunk himself into liver failure and isn’t feeling well. He let his friends rape me at our house when I was 13, while he was watching TV in another room.
And she wants me to make him feel better???
It’s odd, really. That was 21 years ago, and I can’t get over it. I’ve not told anyone in my family, apart from him. I yelled at him about it once, told him what it did to me. What did he say? “Oh, sorry, I didn’t think it would hurt.”
I can’t get over it. I want to, but I don’t know how.
I still remember the sounds, the way his breath smelt, that he had Doc Martin’s on his feet. That Mum demanded to know why there was mud all over the floor in that room when she got home.

But this is what my brain is like. I start on something at the beginning of this mammoth post, and end up on something completely different.

But it doesn’t change the facts:
I hate my life
I don’t know how to change it, I don’t know what I want to do, just as long as it is different to what I’m suffering through at the mo.
And I want to SH, but there is a lot of things in my brain telling me not to.

Lozx (completely meh)