I'm not really sure what my coping mechinism was when I was doing so well. I know this sounds odd, but I'm not 100% sure I even had one because it wasn't really needed. I wasn't having urges or they were really weak for the most part and easily ignored.
That might have been part of my problem, I wasn't forced to come up with another way to deal, and when the urges came back strongly I wasn't prepared to handle them.
As for why I was feeling the way I was, it has to do with my father and my friends. I've been off work for over a year at this point taking care of him because he can't be alone. I've basically given up my life for him, and he really doesn't seem to appreciate it at times. Then, two of my friends who are engaged are having problems and I know if they break up I'll either loose the guy who I'm closer with, or the girl and a lot of the rest of my friends who would view it as betrayal because I've known them longer. I'm not saying I'm cutting because of them, but more because of the stress brought about by the situation. Then even when I was doing well I was hesitant to let them know when I had a bad day because I didn't want them to worry about me. That added a lot of stress too.
I know my friends would be supportive, but I just can't let them down. Not that they'd feel disappointed in me, but I'd be disappointed in me if I told them. Which I know how silly that sounds. Added to that, is they didn't know me the last time I was this bad and I don't know that they can handle it. I don't want to loose them like I have other friends who were supportive when I was actively working on getting better, but not when I was at the point I am right now where I'm not even sure I want to fight it yet. Not that I blame them, I can imagine that dealing with someone who is self destructive and knows it, but doesn't seem to care or want to change can be tiring.
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