[rowena]

I hate saying this, but I need help. Or at least I think I need help.

About a year ago I had been clean for six months and was actually doing really well. I had started hanging out with a different group of friends that were better for me, and I was hardly having any urges and the ones I were having were pretty weak. I told everyone that I was finally at a place in my life where I knew I had to get better and I was going to do it no matter what. I also told my friends how much they had to do with my getting better.

Fast forward to two months ago. My life is great, I'd been clean for over a year for the first time since I was 16, I've got friends that know about my past but don't focus on it, my parents are commenting on how much better I'm doing emotionally (I've never told them I SI), and inside I'm a mess. I'm wanting to cut more than ever before, suicidal, and having to fight down violent urges.

As much as I don't want to say it, but I gave in and started cutting again just a few weeks ago. No one knows and I don't know how or if I should tell them. I'm not even sure if I WANT to tell them. Everyone is so proud of me and thinks I want to get better, which at the time I said that I did, but now if though its not healthy I don't want to stop. Being clean was scary, cutting feels safe in a weird twisted way. And after telling my friends that they had done so much to help me stop, what are they going to think if they find out I'm hurting myself again?

But at the same time, I don't know how much longer I can keep up this act of being "cured". I need the support that I know my friends can provide, and that having up this mask isn't helping me get back in a mental place where I can and will want to stop cutting.

I guess the whole point of this is for suggestions, advice, what have you. I'm at a total loss as for what to do.