[I must be dreaming]

It's been a month as of today...and I'm having a hard time. I keep looking at the scars on my arms..and I find them oddly fascinating. I mean..they're part of me..but..they're going to fade..I didn't go deep enough...and I'm sad about it. o_O How weird am I?

I keep like..having ideas of where to cut..and like..thinking of how deep I need to go for it to be a more permanent scar. =/ I don't understand..because the scars have been the cause of some very uncomfortable situations..so it's like..a love/hate thing or something.

Part of me wants to stop..and the other part is raging and fighting telling me that there's no point in me stopping..it doesn't really hurt anyone...but then I know that's not true..but then..I think it is. And back and forth..on and on. I hate it.

Why stop? So that others can stop feeling uncomfortable with what I do? So that they don't have to worry about what might happen..if I go too far? Does it really matter..we all die at some point. *shrugs* I mean..I'm not saying I'm trying to kill myself...but..I donno..I mean I know that there is a risk that I'll hit something if I get too deep/go too far or whatever.

But everything in me is screaming...and the crawling feeling is back. I don't want to lose my scars..and I don't understand why it's so important to me that they stay..I've had people ask me..and I can never explain why..just that..they're part of me. -_-

I donno..I'll stop rambling..hmm..yay for going one month >_<