what you've said is true for me. but this person is a living saint in every sense of the meaning and the last thing she needs is any further abuse. her friends are i think very angry with me and i can't blame them for wishing the worst for me. i hate it that i haven't got control of this toxic stuff. its just so un-me. i'm doing all i can about internal communication but its really hard and a lot of the stuff seems to break up when i'm trying to find out what's going on and more importantly, how i can get this whole anger/danger stuff worked through/resolved.
and suicide isnt an option because she really cares about me and i just cant do that to her. she's had enough of that crap through her life and from others who have played that manipulation card. right now i'm desperate to be with her but desperate to keep her safe. i've asked her to tie me up/immobilise me so i'm harmless but that's too triggering for her. i'm thinking of buying handcuffs and cuffing myself behind my back so i'm (its) easy to control. maybe my legs too.
i'm adjusting to accept that i'm a sick, evil twisted sh*t but i can't deal with putting her at risk. its an impossible situation. i just can't see a way through this immediately
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