I understand. It's sadly common in abuse survivors to have internalised that abuse and end up abusing self and/or others. It can be especially complicated when there are parts of the self that do it, parts you're not aware of.
The good thing is that you're getting aware now, and this can only be a good thing, as you can start the internal communication neccessary to help stabilise things inside and work through the anger and pain that is causing this.
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