ok im just going to keep talking here for a bit since i have NO ONE to call.
how ****ing sad is that?
Keith isnt home yet or id call him.
my sis isnt speaking to me which is really hurting my feelings. i need her right now but ONCE again she's never there.
i swear i hate being around alot of people but i would love to have a room full of people around me right now.
ive got my music playing which does help but if i sing to it...it doesnt sing back...and then the conversation makes no sense!!!!!
God...im missing everyone ive lost....my father, JarJar, little Jimmy, Lily(Amelia), my great grandmother, my cousin, both my aunt and uncle who killed themselves
.
maybe im finally losing it????
but guess what???
this time i DONT want to lose it. which is quite different from the other times ive felt this way.
usually when i get this lost, empty, dissociated feeling...i just let it take me. but not this time. im fighting it. i want to stay in recovery.
ive thought a few times that this would be a perfect time to drink...no one would know etc....but I WOULD know. and the fact is...i dont want the ****.
all it'll do for me is make me puke and give a helluva headache. im not a casual drinker. i guzzle.
hmmm...what now......i miss my dog...Bear Bear. i thought of him last night while lying in bed by myself. he always slept with me. i really missed him last night. he was so huge (rottweiler). but oh so sweet.
thats it for now.....