[lawrie]

i don't post on here very often, so i feel a bit guilty about asking for help, but i'm really in two minds about this...
basically i have been through what i think was a depressive episode before, but never sought help. having looked at the diagnostic criteria and such i would say that a gp or whoever would probably have diagnosed me with the depression. at the time i was self harming very seriously.

however, i do worry that having seen the diagnostic criteria i moulded my behaviour to fit, so that i could consider myself 'depressed'. quite often i feel as though i might be crying wolf so that i can have an excuse for not succeeding at the things i want to do, or for being unreliable, or irritable or whatever, especially seeing as there is no obvious 'reason' for me to be depressed.

in addition to this, i am often quite critical of people who glamorise depression; i know it is very catty of me to say this and probably very unfair, but i am sure we have all come across the odd person who thinks its cool to be depressed, or to self harm, and that being on anti-depressents is a sign of artistic integrity or whatever, no doubt due to some idol or other. i worry often that this is me. that i am putting myself through depression because it sets me apart from the crowd, and as i mentioned above, because i can use it as a get out clause. i don't know if i'm sick or if i'm just a bit pathetic...

but i can feel myself going down those old roads again now, after a period of actually being pretty much ok all the time... i cut myself (minorly) today, i have been sleeping a lot, i feel worthless and hopeless, i've been having feelings of guilt about my life, feelings of never being able to acheive anything, of being a drain on society and the world and its resources, i've been having very negative feelings about myself, my personality and my physical appearance, i have been tearful and unable to concentrate. BUT i still kindof feel like i am inflicting this upon myself, and that, in that case, i do deserve it. i feel like an attention seeker, it has taken a lot of courage to write this post, because i really do feel like i don't deserve help, but if i try and look at my situation objectively it seems obvious that i need it.

i'm just terrified of going to the doctor or student councellor or whoever and being told that there is nothing wrong with me, because it'll confirm my suspicions that i am just a weak and pathetic person.

sorry for the essay, had to get this out. i would really appreciate any feedback at all on what i've written.

edit: sorry if this is in the wrong place, do let me know if so and i'll move it