I love you. I miss you. I love you and I'm scared to death of feeling this way. I'm watching every word I say. And now I might be coming across sounding a little bit cold or distant. I didn't want that. But I'm losing the plot here. And I really don't want you to worry about me, but I don't know if that's right.
I still feel out of place, like I don't belong, and maybe I never will belong. And I feel crazy because the things I want, these dreams that set off sparks in my heart, they don't seem to match up to the real world. Maybe I just don't know who I am. But these goddamn dreams... I don't even want to speak of them. I'm so scared. I'm terrified of being shot down.
But then I think of the risk you took, the first time you told me that you love me. And how I probably never would have been the one to say it the way you did -how I'd have kept quiet, out of love and respect for you. Maybe this is the same. Maybe I don't want to say it because I don't want to be the one to propose upsetting your life in any way. And I'm scared that if I say anything about it I might lose you. You can be far too quick to say "Maybe I should go." and I don't know what that means.
I'm sad because there's nothing for me to look forward to in this life. I really need something -anything. Why can't there just be some random thing that could make me happy? I would like if I could logically decide on something, and have my heart agree with that choice. It just doesn't seem to work that way.
Also, it took me at least 3 hours to write that pitifully small email to you. I was trying to be happy, for you. It's not fake. It just wasn't flowing. I cried a lot, because I miss you. I'm really so proud of you. And I think about you all the time.
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