hey there, this has some really good ideas but I think that a slightly different rhyming pattern or format might do it the world of good, something like this maybe?:
Please take it away
Save me, I beg you
From living this way.
Every part of me writhes with shame
I’m sick and theres no one else to blame
Stay away from me don't catch my pain
Disease is contagious don't turn out the same..
People look through me
You know this is true
I'm dying ... free me
and so on, in this particular poem i think lyrical is a good style so I gave it a kind of 'chorus' with longer lines and a different rhyming pattern from the 'verses' which are 3 brief lines, each with five syllables. hope i ahvent over stepped the mark, just my thoughts.
katy
xxx
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