[MyApocalypse]

I don't get society, and to be quite frank, I don't want to. People today are just a bunch of stupid conformists who are all heartless and cold. I honestly hate the world, I won't lie. I'm so tired of my mom telling me I need to be more like so-and-so, or that this person is making me act a certain way. I'm a stranger in my own house. I'm chained to this place, and I can't break free. I want to run away, but where would I go? What would it do? Sure, I could leave, sleep in a park and end up in some 50 year old mans house chained to his water heater in a leaky basement that smells of old booze and mold. I want so badly to be loved. I want to have a normal relationship with my mom, I don't want to feel the need to throw myself out of the moving car everytime I'm with her. I want normal friends, friends who understand me. To them all I am is just someone who complains too much, someone they can walk all over and get what they want with because they know I'm vulnerable and will do anything to keep them around. I'm so ****ing alone. The only person I have is a teacher. She is like a best friend to me, we talk about everything. The only thing wrong with that is that she's having a baby soon, and then who will I have? Back to nobody. My life is so empty and meaningless. All I do all day is sit in my room and listen to music wishing I was somewhere else. On top of all that I'm plagued with this disease, this horrible addiction. If I could go back to the day I first cut myself, I would. I would have never done it. I'm so tired of worrying people, passing out from blood loss and just waking up the next day with the guilt of having done it again. I hate myself for these feelings. I have it so much better than a lot of people. That makes me hate myself even more. All I am is a stupid bitch who whines about everything. I need to just die, that's all I want. It's all I've wanted for so long, to be gone. I can't deal with all of this stress anymore. The past week I've been so upset and angry, and I just suck all of those feelings back into my stomach. Guess what? They're coming out. I spent my weekend throwing up. To tell you the truth, I made myself throw up on more than 4 occasions because I was so sick of feeling sick, and I was sick of how I look. I'm just ****ed up all around, I'm so far from normal, I hate it. I guess people see me as that girl who was never going anywhere. The freak. I can't tell you how many times people have told me "If you hate the world that much, why are you still here?" To be honest, you stupid ****, I couldn't tell you. I can't tell you what's keeping me here because I have no idea! No, I am not going to tell you I am ending it this very minute, I'm not worth the worry. I just really want things to stop, soon. I'm going to let you in on a secret though; 3 years ago when everything started I made a plan for my 15th birthday that if things didn't get better I'd kill myself. You know what? It's in 8 days...