Coping mechanism. Hm. Hold on and see your dr asap would be my first piece of advice. They would be able to set your mind at rest diagnosis wise.
It sounds like you're going through lots of stress, and that's wound you up so tight, you're scared of cracking. Prolonged stress can do things to your mind. Especially when you're worried about succeeding, about your future, about who you are as a person, and what your life means...
Hallucinations, intense self-hatred, feeling emotionally numb... can come about as a result of stress. Especially if you're already prone to depression.
I can't diagnose you of course, but those symptoms are present in a number of diagnoses. I used to worry that I was schizophrenic, because that was my 'only vision' of severe distress/mental illness, and because, well, my father sometimes behaved like he was. But I have been assured by a number of different mental health professionals that I am not schizophrenic.
You say the doctors don't help. Have you tried all the doctors at your practice? Could you change surgeries? Have you ever had a full mental health assessment?
Some coping mechanisms that might help you right now are focusing on your breathing when your worries start to feel overwhelming. Also grounding, feeling your feet firmly on the floor.
Drawing and writing what is on your mind can also help release some of the internal pressure safely. Also dancing. Even to classical music. No one has to see.
Something that can also help is reality-checking. If you're not sure how someone sees you, or what is happening, ask someone you trust.
And you can speak to us. Its safe here.
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