[Eir]

i know this is kind of a rant but i want feedback.
im just a timebomb waiting to go off and im scared it will be before i do my exams. i love my course, i want to succeed. but i dont think i can make it thru the next two hours, let alone the next two weeks
i want to know whats wrong with me. im sick of worrying, being scared im schizophrenic, or being scared that theres nothing worng at all, that its all in my head.
sometime i wonder if i made it all up. the hallucinations, the emotional numbeness, the hate for myself. but wouldnt that be a problem in itself? this is what the meds are doing to me. they make me doubt myself. i hate it
i want to die. i used to have a detailed plan, but any plan will do now. the only reason im not dead already is cos im a chicken, if that makes sense. i cant even look at a blade anymore without worrying that i might really kill myself this time. so i dont cut. and im giving up smoking. so what does that leave me with to help cope. especially since i cant cry anymore.
someone give me a coping mechanism. i cant find one on my own and the doctors dont help.
im contemplating going off my meds entirely just to see if they come back. but they are coming back anyways. i wonder if it would be worse.
ack.
i just need to do my exams and then i can have this meltdown thats bound to happen. just give me two weeks of being like a normal person, or even just those three days, or just the hours that i need.
i wonder if they have a prn for hallucinations. one that will work for me. i wonder if any meds will work for me ever again or will i be stuck thinking im a kgb agent and seeing horrible things for the rest of my life.
i need a hug...