RYL Forums - View Single Post - I couldn't tell you what this is triggering for, but mentions self-harm and suicide.

Emmer · 11-06-2007, 10:46 PM

I've been going through a lot lately really, but I've not felt it at all. It's more of being in a state of shock more than anything. Mum's awaiting a scan on her womb and that could bring up somethin bad and they have reason to believe that could be bad. I found out last night my sister had an abortion on thursday yet I'm not allowed to talk about it because I'm not meant to know. I work in care and one of the residents is so close to dying and I'm finding it so hard because I care about him so much.

The funny thing is, I don't want to solve these feelings that have now built up via self-harm, I think about self-harm and I want to do it but not to solve these feelings, simply because I miss seeing cuts. Now I have no desire to self-harm I have no way of controlling how I'm feeling. Sure I'm talking right now but it just leaves me with a selfish feeling as though I'm wasting peoples time and that you all don't need to know about my problems. I am selfish and I know that but I'm trying to be less selfish and I would be if I wasn't on the verge of suicide.

Even though I've written all of the above as problems they seem minor to the stress I'm having with my coursework right now. I'm near the end of my course and have just 2 weeks left until I finish forever. I can't motivate myself though, everytime I try to do coursework I feel this immense frustration that I can't think of more than two words to write. I look at previous assignments where I got the best grades possible and I know the tutors say that I'm the best in the class and they hold me in high regard because they think I'm so intelligent but I don't feel it. I know I have the knowledge locked away inside my head but with no motivation or no confidence in myself to finish this course I'm finding this all pretty damned impossible. It's strange that you can have all the answers intellectually but you can't change the way you feel, you can't work out why you feel the way you do and what to do to solve all this. The emotional mind isn't as simple as the intellectual. I'm not sure what I expect from writing this and if indeed anyone can help me. I just know something has to change.

11-06-2007, 10:46 PM	#1
Emmer My Dreams Turn To Tears Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Essex I am currently:	I couldn't tell you what this is triggering for, but mentions self-harm and suicide. I've been going through a lot lately really, but I've not felt it at all. It's more of being in a state of shock more than anything. Mum's awaiting a scan on her womb and that could bring up somethin bad and they have reason to believe that could be bad. I found out last night my sister had an abortion on thursday yet I'm not allowed to talk about it because I'm not meant to know. I work in care and one of the residents is so close to dying and I'm finding it so hard because I care about him so much. The funny thing is, I don't want to solve these feelings that have now built up via self-harm, I think about self-harm and I want to do it but not to solve these feelings, simply because I miss seeing cuts. Now I have no desire to self-harm I have no way of controlling how I'm feeling. Sure I'm talking right now but it just leaves me with a selfish feeling as though I'm wasting peoples time and that you all don't need to know about my problems. I am selfish and I know that but I'm trying to be less selfish and I would be if I wasn't on the verge of suicide. Even though I've written all of the above as problems they seem minor to the stress I'm having with my coursework right now. I'm near the end of my course and have just 2 weeks left until I finish forever. I can't motivate myself though, everytime I try to do coursework I feel this immense frustration that I can't think of more than two words to write. I look at previous assignments where I got the best grades possible and I know the tutors say that I'm the best in the class and they hold me in high regard because they think I'm so intelligent but I don't feel it. I know I have the knowledge locked away inside my head but with no motivation or no confidence in myself to finish this course I'm finding this all pretty damned impossible. It's strange that you can have all the answers intellectually but you can't change the way you feel, you can't work out why you feel the way you do and what to do to solve all this. The emotional mind isn't as simple as the intellectual. I'm not sure what I expect from writing this and if indeed anyone can help me. I just know something has to change.
	It’s not always that easy to distinguish the good guys from the bad guys, Sinners can surprise you and the same is true for saints. Why do we try to define people with simply good or simply evil? Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can live side by side in one heart and that anyone is capable of anything.