hey nothing to be sorry for!!!
i know EXACTLY what you mean now because i myself am a total MASTER at putting up the effective barrier and living in denial-land while it is up
reading that, what you just wrote, makes me even more sure that you really should print out your RYL posts and give it to the cpn, or write something for them
just say what you said here "i have a hard time expressing this in words, in the moment, and i will try to work on that but for the time being you need to know this and all i can manage is to write it so please read it now and later we can work on my communication skills and my verbally expressing things" or something like that
in order for them to help you best, they need to know how you are RIGHT NOW, and if for now talking is harder and writing is easier, write it and give it to them
i really hope that this gets better for you and that you get the help you need because you are trying so hard, i can tell, and you deserve it
hugs
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