[Lora]

I'm not doing very well right now... Again
Though, was I ever?

I feel like I am about to snap, about to break, shatter into a thousand pieces.. Again, but I really don't think I will be able to put myself together again this time, I really don't think Ill make it.

I haven't cut in somewhere near 9 months, but I'm so so close. So close to throwing it all away.

9 months ago was a period of around 6 months of worse than rock bottom, there was barely a week went by without me needing stitches, and I ended up in hospital after taking an OD. After that, my parents found out, and I saw how much I hurt them, and I somehow managed to pull it together, pretend I was Ok, and hope it was, and things did get a little better, but it never went away did it, and its just gradually got worse.

Im at the point of breaking, I want to cut, I know I don't need to but I feel like I do, and I don't think I can fight it much longer, I really don't, but I also don't know if I will be able to stop myself, once I start.

And its terrifying me. Its gonna happen all over again, and what if I cant fight it this time. Im going to completely fall apart again, like before, and I cant go through that again. The anxiety and panicking never went away but its bad again, and I cant take it anymore, and its bringing the depression and suicidal thoughts back with it.

Maybe I should go back on the meds, maybe I should have never stopped taking them. I don't know.

I don't know anything anymore, except I cant do this again, I really cant.
Just functioning is getting impossible, leaving the house, going to lecture or work. I can't, I'm in a state of anxiety and panic all day.

God I miss cutting, if I could just cut, and for a few seconds things would seem ok.

Oh God, Im falling apart again.

Oh God, Im so so scared.