Jellybean
You are not alone in your feelings!
As someone who is currently drinking and sobbing hysterically whilst trying to stave off yet another panic attack, please remember it can be better. I felt better for about a week at the beginning of the year which helped me realise that maybe one day I will feel normal.
I don't even know why but I too have thoughts of suicide fairly frequently (definitely a few times a day). It becomes an obsession that I have to fight because I know (as do you) that deep down this is not me. This is not how I used to be and if it isn't how I used to be, it isn't normal for me. I know the whole "maybe it's just the way I am" feeling but it isn't.
I know that I can't end it because of the feelings of other people. It hurts so much to struggle on and sometimes I wish I was truly alone in order that I could kill myself without it affecting other people.
Please, please realise that you are precious.
You say you are seen as a coper, well so am I. I am considered a high achiever and everyone around seems to think I am great at what I do. In a way, it makes it harder to tell people that you hurt and struggle as much as they do at the moment, more so.
I too had never felt so down in my life at the end of last year and still don't know why. Please hold on because although I am still struggling, I have had a hint of something better and it does help. Just hold out for that chink of light.
Sorry for the random waffle, I just want you to realise that you are not alone and so many people struggle with the same issues as you.
Please stay safe and struggle through.
Take care
xxx
|