[FFTL-Heart-x]

This is probably going to be a long, boring, pointless thing so here goes:

It's been over a year now since I started cutting, and I just don't feel any point in being here. Everything I do just isn't good enough for anyone and people won't leave me alone.

On Christmas Eve, my cousin took me to the doctor's about my cutting, all I wanted was something to make the scars on my legs disappear. I've been using Bio-Oil, but they haven't gone, and I'm doing swimming in school and it's all just... Well, anyway, the doctor said she couldn't give me anything stronger, but she's going to tell my parents about it :'[[[ and for 3 weeks, she's been phoning my mobile, leaving me voicemails, and I'm so terrified of answering the phone. When my parents find out, I don't know what I'll do. A rumour about the scars (or then cuts) on my ankle went around at school, I told my mum about the rumour, but I said there was no cuts. And she told me that she knew I didn't self harm (obviously wrong) and if I did she'd take me to a psychiatrist. She has no idea what it's like :'[[[.

Now people are always on my case, and I found out that my so called best friend had told another friend of mine (a close friend) about my self harming, she's being such a bitch about it, telling me how she 'doesn't like it'. What has it got to do with her???! I don't know who else my 'best friend' has told. Or who my other friend has told. I didn't even want anybody to find out in the first place - most people saw, but because he was my 'best friend', I told him. I feel so stupid. Another rumour will be going around about me, I think. *sigh*. I hate telling people about the cutting, because they always get angry and end up getting hurt. Not that I'm bothered about them getting hurt. It's nothing to do with them.

I just wish I was dead. Seriously. I'm past caring about what would happen to my friends or family. That sounds awful, but I just hate where I'm at. Everyone's pressurising me to stop cutting, but they don't give a damn how I feel. It's like 'I DON'T WANT TO STOP!!'. It's the one thing that I have to keep myself from going off the rails, and as I'm sure other self harmers agree, it makes you feel in control. People are all like 'you have a problem!!' but how can it be a problem when it's stopping me from hurting other people? Ughh :'[[[. I can't talk to anyone about it either, because, well, they either never know what to say or they tell me to 'stop being stupid'.

I can't do this anymore :'[[[[ just want to curl up and die.

I'm so sorry for this pointless crap.