[blondiebear]

I think i finally have a bit of a clue about why i'm so anxious to make myself ugly outside. Last week I cut the word 'needy" into my arm and cut/scratched another place too.

My mother considers me a threat. For women with her mental illnesses and who have more than one daughter, the oldest may be seen as a rival for their husband's love. And my dad has a daughter four years older than me that he hasn't seen since she was a baby because of custody issues. Mom may consider her a threat too, so I get two doses of abuse.

Mom wanted a son so much that she called me "Sam" for the first week of my life.

Please pardon this vanity which is a kind of pride. My mother also considers me a threat because i'm better looking/more attractive than she is and better educated than she is.

So the child part of my emotions things that maybe if I make myself ugly outside, she won't feel as threatened. When I was young she wouldn't have felt as threatened and given me the love and nurturing I needed. So the child part of me wants to make myself ugly so I can get the nurturing then that I needed then.

What a Cluster Fluster!

Maybe this bit should go in the cover up thread. When I teach on Friday afternoon, i'm planning to use special two side tape to hold the sleeve of my T-shirt in place. I'm there to teach the girls about sewing not hating themselves.

Thanks for your patience with my novel.

Input please?
Hugs always welcome. I'll hug you back too.