I've been free for just over 2 years, I never really got triggered to start with, so that's not an issue, I never really got urges to self harm, just did it on impulse, like a subconscious part of me took over. But yes it is still there. If my life went downhill again then I might do it again. When I was with my ex, I quit. When we split up I started again. For me recovery was about me being happy. It was about having something or someone to distract me, to make my life situation a place worth staying in, to give me meaning in my life.
I sometimes get to wanting to harm again, but I go to matt instead of my blades. I threw away all my blades and I use a non-disposeable razor to shave with so I don't get tempted.
I'm free and I know I am, if i wasn't so determined though...I don't know. When I'm ill (again) and down, I look at the pills I'm taking and know how easy it would be to OD, to sleep undisturbed. I just can't do that to myself anymore.
It is still an option, I'm just determined that it's not going to be one that I take. mand x
|