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one_step_closer · 10-02-2025, 07:16 PM

I'm really not coping with everything life is throwing at me right now. It seems like every day something new is added to make things more and more difficult to manage. Last night I had my usual distressing uncomfortable time in bed and I tried to stretch my neck and somehow ended up twisting my shoulder so now it's really painful all the way down my arm and into my fingers. My clothes rail fell down in the middle of the night and when I tried to lift it up it did something to the fingers on my other hand. I was thinking through the night about how there is nothing I want from life so why am I still alive? I'm not interested in any kind of job, I don't want a partner, I don't want a family, I don't want to go back into education, I don't want to travel, I get nothing from the activities that I used to enjoy and I can't find anything I want to try. My back and neck are now more sore in preparation for the hell that is going to bed. I used to be nice and comfy and relaxed in bed but now I don't have that and I have tried different pillows. My CPN and psych said to ask my GP for painkillers but I doubt they'd prescribe painkillers for this and I don't want to go on potentially addictive meds anyway. I can't see any hope that anything will change.

I had an appointment with my psych this morning. I tripped up in front of the health centre and struggled to get up because my arms and legs are painful and weak. My appointment was at 10.30am but the secretary came out to me in the waiting area and said he was running late and I'd be seen at 11am. At 11am she came out again and said he was still running late. I eventually saw him at some point after 11.30am. I was crying a bit in the waiting area just because I feel suicidal. My psych said if I feel hopeless and don't want anything from life then there is no point in me having support from the CMHT. What a way to make me feel better! There's nothing really that can be done med wise because I have tried so many meds. I asked him about my diagnoses because the ward psych says I have EUPD and Primary Psychotic Disorder but my own psych doesn't agree with the PPD. He said he thinks it's EUPD because I don't respond to meds long term and if I had some kind of psychotic disorder the antipsychotics would keep me well. He said if I wanted I could change psychs because the ward psych also works in the community she just doesn't cover my area and I do feel like she understands me better and maybe she would have ideas about what might be useful but I didn't feel comfortable saying to my psych that I would like to change. I will talk to my CPN about it though. I feel like that's not something to hold on to though because I've tried so many treatments surely she will have nothing new to offer. My psych decided to change the way I take my Trazodone so take a small amount in the morning and a bigger amount at night and change my night time Quetiapine to whatever it is when it's not modified release but no meds that are supposed to cause drowsiness actually make me drowsy.

I can't think of one reason to hold on, for me. All through my life I have put other people before myself but now I just want to do what I need to do. Which is to end this shit completely.

10-02-2025, 07:16 PM	#4526
one_step_closer The Shadow of the Day Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Scotland	I'm really not coping with everything life is throwing at me right now. It seems like every day something new is added to make things more and more difficult to manage. Last night I had my usual distressing uncomfortable time in bed and I tried to stretch my neck and somehow ended up twisting my shoulder so now it's really painful all the way down my arm and into my fingers. My clothes rail fell down in the middle of the night and when I tried to lift it up it did something to the fingers on my other hand. I was thinking through the night about how there is nothing I want from life so why am I still alive? I'm not interested in any kind of job, I don't want a partner, I don't want a family, I don't want to go back into education, I don't want to travel, I get nothing from the activities that I used to enjoy and I can't find anything I want to try. My back and neck are now more sore in preparation for the hell that is going to bed. I used to be nice and comfy and relaxed in bed but now I don't have that and I have tried different pillows. My CPN and psych said to ask my GP for painkillers but I doubt they'd prescribe painkillers for this and I don't want to go on potentially addictive meds anyway. I can't see any hope that anything will change. I had an appointment with my psych this morning. I tripped up in front of the health centre and struggled to get up because my arms and legs are painful and weak. My appointment was at 10.30am but the secretary came out to me in the waiting area and said he was running late and I'd be seen at 11am. At 11am she came out again and said he was still running late. I eventually saw him at some point after 11.30am. I was crying a bit in the waiting area just because I feel suicidal. My psych said if I feel hopeless and don't want anything from life then there is no point in me having support from the CMHT. What a way to make me feel better! There's nothing really that can be done med wise because I have tried so many meds. I asked him about my diagnoses because the ward psych says I have EUPD and Primary Psychotic Disorder but my own psych doesn't agree with the PPD. He said he thinks it's EUPD because I don't respond to meds long term and if I had some kind of psychotic disorder the antipsychotics would keep me well. He said if I wanted I could change psychs because the ward psych also works in the community she just doesn't cover my area and I do feel like she understands me better and maybe she would have ideas about what might be useful but I didn't feel comfortable saying to my psych that I would like to change. I will talk to my CPN about it though. I feel like that's not something to hold on to though because I've tried so many treatments surely she will have nothing new to offer. My psych decided to change the way I take my Trazodone so take a small amount in the morning and a bigger amount at night and change my night time Quetiapine to whatever it is when it's not modified release but no meds that are supposed to cause drowsiness actually make me drowsy. I can't think of one reason to hold on, for me. All through my life I have put other people before myself but now I just want to do what I need to do. Which is to end this shit completely.
	I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much. Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass. You didn't come this far just to come this far.