I don't feel the need to write down anything we discuss because I remember the main parts and we don't actually seem to discuss anything properly really. I can't get through to Duty ever. Something is going on. The men are punishing me for betraying them. There must be something wrong with me because it can't be that everyone is suddenly not hearing me, I obviously can't communicate properly any more.
Everything is so difficult. There's nothing I even want to do. There's nothing new I want to try. I'm not interested. I am so low. I don't know how I'm ever going to feel better or if it's actually possible. I can only imagine staying like this or something being forced on me that makes things worse. There is no hope. My CPN wants to help me with his definition of what life should be like not mine. Do I even know what my definition of a better life is? I just know I want to be helped to manage things as they are. It's all I can do right now not get a job or add lots of things to my life. I did say this to my CPN at the beginning when things seemed more hopeful and he was saying he'd be flexible and not push me. He saw one of my friends once to assess her and they had a general chat so he said she didn't need a CPN. He wants to have a general chat with me. Maybe he just wants to do that so he can say I don't need a CPN and discharge me. He really isn't doing the things he initially said he could do when I first met him.
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