The MDT isn't actually until the afternoon so my CPN had no news. He said there's no way I'll be admitted to hospital. He said he wants to help me but then said it's up to me to build a base not medication. I need to be stronger on the right meds before I can start to do things. He said it's up to me if I take my Lurasidone or not and it's my responsibility to take my meds properly so maybe I shouldn't be on daily dispense. He'd just allow me to be unsafe. He said I can call him but also I've not to rely on him. I won't call him anyway. I said how distressed and suicidal I am but he didn't ask if I was safe. He said maybe I'm not clinically depressed if antidepressants don't help but they do help to an extent. He doesn't want to talk much about how I'm feeling he wants me to have a general chat with him. He wants to go for coffee and walks but I need to talk about how I'm feeling. It's the only time I get to talk things through. He called me uptight. He said I should do normal things like get a job. Does he seriously think I could work right now? I knew he didn't understand me. He said that things have changed in the past week and the men were gone before. He's been off for about 3 weeks. He said he has had regular contact with me but I rarely saw him before he went off. He asked if I believe he wants to help me.
I don't know what will happen when I hit my usual desperate point this evening. I knew I'd be in the same position as I was yesterday. I feel like my CPN and probably everyone else doesn't think I'm unwell. Nothing is ever going to be ok. If only I could kill myself. People keep asking me for support and I keep giving support and that's ok but I just wish people would support me back sometimes. I feel so alone.
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