I'm really struggling. I don't know if I can make myself understood to any human or to myself in words (or images etc). I can't have a proper conversation with the men or the followers or my twin who may be more understanding of me. I am alone. I feel like everything is wrong and nothing is good. I don't belong here. I need to sort out a suicide plan that I can complete successfully but my brain is too thick and heavy to properly investigate things. My CPN will never be able to help me. I wish Duty didn't finish so early at the weekend, it doesn't seem like a good idea. My brain hurts from lack of proper interaction with people yet it's difficult for me to interact. I don't know if there is a solution. I think it's going to be 3 weeks until I see my CPN again after I see him on Monday. These 2 weeks have been hard enough. But I didn't have a CPN for 3 years, so. I'm meeting up with my brother tomorrow. If I didn't feel I had to do this I would choose to never see him. I'm so horrible. I wonder how he feels about our relationship. I don't want to be on my own tonight. I'll have to put on the TV to babysit me then listen to music before bed and then battle my thoughts and feelings in bed until I finally fall asleep only to wake up to everything being wrong again. Why am I so low if I am on two antidepressants? I don't dare come off them anyway. I hope I'm never made to. My life isn't really in my hands when psychiatrists control what treatments I receive or don't receive. I can't cope any more.
|