[long road]

I really badly want to self destruct but at the same time am still fighting it. Locked myself in the bathroom for a minute intending to use that as an opportunity to harm but partner got concerned and so I came out again without doing anything.

I am getting closer to acting on thoughts. But I am still not.

I am meant to be running a roleplaying game tonight. I want to do it I want to have fun. But fun and enjoying myself feels impossible with how I feel but I don't want to cancel again. You know what I have decided I will try.