It does sound like you have some good things, which is important.
Also would like to challenge you a bit. Re the things you want about mattering to people, being missed, etc.. What would those things look like to you? What would indicators that you have those be? Just curious if you may actually have that, at least to some degree, and just not realise or not notice? How would you know if you did?
Social connection sounds really important to you. Also just wonder, is the way you interact on here the same way you interact irl? Because if so, could also see why maybe you struggle. There is nothing wrong with wanting connection, attention, etc.. But you tend to jump to really big conclusions, re nothing mattering, you don't matter, etc. really easily. And could see how having big emotions and big reactions like that might be offputting to others.
Not trying to imply judgement, just saying this as more of an observation of the way and type of things you post. This is something we also struggle with, and it's also something we are still trying to learn to work on in terms of trying to interact with other humans in ways that are more appropriate. And working on trying to find ways to let our feelings out to be able to manage those big reactions safely so that by time we do interact with others they are much more appropriate. This isn't saying having those feeling is wrong - just that trying to find different ways to manage them and express them, especially if this is something that also impacts you day to day, could be worth thinking about.
That said, if the way you interact with others irl is different to here, curious what makes those situations and your interactions different?
What other things are you involved in to get social connection? Agree with one step closer that maybe looking into some type of acting year round, even if it's just local theater or stuff that is unpaid could be something fun for you, and a really cool hobby and way to meet people.
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