[jaythejester]

I "started" recovery several years ago, after being hospitalized at a really really young age for it, but didn't really start actually trying until about 2-ish years ago. things were really hard at first, and I slipped back a few times, but it got easier the longer I was in recovery, and the slips backs were farther apart and less intense.

a couple of months ago my grandfather made a joke about my weight, and my mom just laughed at what he said, and by proxy at me. for some reason that got under my skin. both of them know I've struggled so much with AN and BN in the past, but still made the joke.

now it's harder to eat, and harder to keep food down. I can't eat unless I can read, guess, or calculate the numbers of anything I eat. it feels the way it felt when I wasn't really trying to recover, just cover it up. part of me feels guilty about it, but another way louder part of me wants to continue to get worse.

I'm worried that it won't go away until it gets severe again, i don't want it to get that bad. My brain doesn't really like my body, and my body doesn't like my brain, and it feels like the two of them are just trying to ruin my life. I don't know how to(or if I even should) bring this up to my therapist because she's going to tell my mom, and my mom will just get mad and nothing will change.

I don't really want to feel like this but I'm not sure what to do.