So my OT called for our scheduled phone appointment and because she is part of a multidisciplinary team she has talked to psychologist and knew about me having suicidal thoughts as psychologist had letter from psych liason. So she asked how things were mentally to check in.
I didn't want to burden her with it or give too many details but she said that it was better they knew what was going on and while she said I didn't have to tell her details and didn't pressure me she did persuade me to share the thoughts. And so with difficulty and a lot of support from her I managed to open up. Told her about suicidal thoughts, and about plans to do with overdose that I had considered but decided against and about almost harming and what tool I almost used.
She is concerned and is going to email my GP surgery addressed to my GP Dr A and the duty GP. And we came up with a plan where I moved the meds I was considering overdosing on to a drawer in the office that I rarely have a reason to open. And specifically the office as I am barely ever in there alone. To reassure her I moved the meds while I was on the phone to her. She asked me to consider telling partner and when he came to see m just now I just blurted out about moving meds to reassure OT and about the plan to overdose but put it very much being on the past tense to partner. That plan is something I have moved on from and been having less suicidal thoughts last couple of days but thoughts aren't fully in the past. Was honest about that with OT though.
Apparently psychologist (my old therapist human) has cut his hours and so he isn't as avaliable. Which is part of why he wouldnt be fully comfortable managing risk of me being suicidal. And considering what I told OT about still having suicidal thoughts outside hospital and having made a few plans and what was discussed in multidisciplinary meeting OT thinks probably could do with CMHT involvement. I think she is going to directly ask GP to refer me. Didn't ask if I would have to wait for further neuropsychological input until I had seen CMHT but suspect that might be the case.
Also discussed some FND stuff and did a bladder and bowel assessment which was somewhat awkward but that's medical care at times.
Not quite sure how I feel about all this. Right now feel quite wobbly. I am kind of glad GP may finally get in touch. But also not looking forward to CMHT assessment etc. As I bet I will just have to go through stress if assessment to get told I am not unstable enough for help or if I do qualify for help get chucked on a 6 -12 month waiting list. But trying to be optimistic that they might be more helpful.
Have promised OT if I haven't heard anything today that on Friday I wil to try and chase GP surgery about talking to someone. But would probably wait until at least mid morning in case duty doc waits for my GP to be in. And she said I can refer them to her email if I don't feel comfortable explaining direct to receptionist.
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