Thank you, ahah. If you'd be willing to share the list, then sure.
I can't explain the feeling well. I know I'm alive and breathing and bleeding and all that, but I get so caught up in my thoughts. Sometimes I feel lifeless or numb. It's just that words like "monster, repulsive, disgusting, hideous, etc.," float in my mind and they gnaw at me. I'm used to being a hollow shell, I guess. I disconnected from myself during the abuse. It got to the point where I struggled to show emotions, I still struggle with that. I can't cry, no tears come and no noise comes from my throat, it only burns. I can't laugh, it's just silent, but I can feel something in my chest moving, maybe my diaphragm, I'm not sure. Smiling doesn't feel natural. I think it's just because of him. He broke me down, he bashed me and criticized me for my emotions but at the same time he made me cry. He made me feel like everything about me was unnatural, and so I guess I stopped. I just became a hollow shell that did whatever he wanted. The word that comes into mind is "doll."
I think I'll get better, I need to actually heal. Like I said before, I'm going to start therapy soon and I think that'll help support me further.
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