[GingerMommy]

Hi, I'm new and very old here. I haven't been on here since the days of ruinyourlife, but this is the first community I have thought to turn to for advice to help my daughter.

I used to self harm in high school(back in the 2000s), but I stopped and kind of disengaged from this community. I would not say that I feel I replaced my habits with healthy coping mechanisms, but more "socially acceptable" ones.

I now have 3 kids and my oldest is 13. The night before last, her dad noticed scars on her arms. They were covered up by black nail polish and she frequently covers them up by drawing on herself with marker or by wearing a sweater. They look relatively new. Healed, but still pretty pink, so im thinking shes been doing this maybe around 2 months. I do feel foolish for not noticing the signs, but maybe it was denial.

Anyway, when we asked her about them, she didn't want to talk. I'm trying to give her some space and I avoided saying anything that I remember being very unhelpful to me when I used to cut. I did try to ask her about what she has been using, so I could get an idea as to the safety of her, but she didn't want to answer. The only other questions I asked her were "what is going on with you to make you feel like you need to do this to yourself?" And in trying to get an answer to that, I asked her if she was feeling isolated or like nobody understands her(as those were 2 of my biggest reasons when I was a teen) but she just wasn't ready to talk.

She asked me last night if I was going to make her go to a therapist. I told her that I've been meaning to make her an appointment for awhile for a handful of other reasons and that I've wanted to make one for myself as well. I told her that this isn't the only reason for me to make one, but will probably push me to finally schedule one. I don't want to tell the doctors about the cutting, I want her to do that if and when she feels comfortable doing so. I feel like when that was the reason my parents took me to a therapist, they immediately labeled me as depressed and treated me like I was suicidal even though I have never felt like I am suicidal.

So I guess my main questions are 1) do you think it's the right call to not mention it to a therapist and let her do it on her own terms?
2) how else can I support her and help her? It's been so long since I've been in her position that I just don't remember what would have been most helpful. Just what was most hurtful.