Hey love,
I'm so sorry you are struggling so much. You deserve only peace and happiness.
I completely understand the fear around having new information about what you endured. I found out something similar a few years back which changed my entire understanding of what happened to me, and not for the better. It makes you feel like you are out of control. But you must remember that it is still the past, even though it feels like the present because it's new.
I have no idea if this would be helpful, or safe for you to try alone. But have you thought about writing statements of what happened on pieces of paper. Like, 'I experienced....' and any other thoughts or bad memories... And then burn them. One at a time. Read it, accept it an let it go. You don't have to do it all, but perhapse now and then when you feel ready to try letting go of that intense emotion associated with it, when you're ready to try and put it in the past, you could try this, maybe with someone to make sure you can do it safely.
If you ever want to talk, I am here. I'm sorry I have not kept in touch. I struggle to reach out to people, and the longer I leave it the worse it gets. You're always welcome to message me. You're not alone.
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