I don't think I can face telling my partner. I know he will blame himself and be so sad. He would be supportive too but I'd be able to see the hurt on his face as I know him too well (it's been ten years). Blame would be especially bad as I had shared I was wrestling with a few things before bed and also persuaded him to get some sleep when I didn't feel able to try for a while.
As for persuading myself to sleep I did try a few times in the hours before I ended up harming. But thoughts were going round and I couldn't focus on what I was listening to enough to distract me. So I kept going on my phone and the internet because I couldn't settle. I tried.looking at some constructive resources as sometimes that helps me settle the idea there are things I can try another day. But in hindsight it helped me wallow longer.
Thanks for the song. I feel like I may know the member who linked it to you all those years ago.
|