[Voldemort]

Wow. Long time no post. Hi to all those that remember me. Sorry for popping up here in your lives again. This could be long so please bear with me.

I’m not usually one for listing diagnosis but it does seem pertinent to this post so please don’t think I’m bragging or anything like that. I have schizoaffective disorder, autism and an ED.

Mostly it seems like the schizoaffective is being managed quite well at the moment with meds - I’m not psychotic, I don’t think I’m depressed and I don’t think I’m manic though perhaps there’s some mixed state going on.

2 months ago I moved across country and the whole process has been a nightmare. The flat we moved into was just, well, uninhabitable really. The stress leading up to the move should have alleviated when we got here but was actually trebled with everything that needed doing. We slept in the living room for probably a month. Thankfully now most things have been sorted and we’re greadually sourcing storage so we can finish unpacking our boxes.

The first few weeks we essentially lived on take away and convenience food because we didn’t have an oven or a fridge freezer that worked properly. Which led to me gaining weight. Which, whilst still healthy, was heavier than I liked. My eating went a little to shit and I lost some weight which was noticed by my therapist back in Sligo because she commented on it despite me telling her I was struggling with food. My psych completely glossed over the issue because clearly I was still eating and not emaciated. I have now gained back the weight because, well, Christmas and I’m unhappy with it.

Ritzi (my wife) was completely overwhelmed and stressed out by everything so I took on the responsibility of making phone calls, staying calm and reassuring her throughout the whole process.

These past few weeks we’ve been around her family a lot and had a lot of people in and out of the flat fixing things. Which has overwhelmed and overstimulated me big time. I think I blocked out my stress with everything so I could help my wife deal with hers and it’s kind of hitting me now.

The problem is when I get overwhelmed I tend to self harm just to calm everything down and now I’m faced with another week of people, albeit my family, and no way of coping. I’m getting graphic images of self harm in my head and I just can’t turn them off because it feels like it would put a cast on the broken leg that is my brain right now. I’ve had no time for self care, I can’t concentrate to read, more than one episode of a tv show overwhelms me and I can’t sleep for shit. I’m really worried that I’m going to have a breakdown the minute everything stops happening around here and I don’t have to hold it together any more. I can not afford a meltdown. I got out of hospital in October after a year and 9 months on their books and that is just not an option. I’m a carer for my wife and she needs me.

It’s just been one thing after another. The move, our car died, our washing machine died on top of other appliances not working et etc. Idk.

Sorry. I don’t know what I’m looking for with this post. Kind words? Advice? Acknowledgement? I don’t have a MH team here yet and my appt isn’t until mid feb so I don’t even know what they’ll offer me and my old team are a joke so I’m a little lost.