Would you consider phoning the CMHT to see if you could get some support? It's not weak to need help at all. Maybe getting some help would mean you felt better able to cope and like you didn't have to pretend any more.
Depression is tough whether you feel suicidal or not, being suicidal isn't a 'must' to mean that you have depression and need some support. You are obviously hurting and I'd hope that someone could be there for you.
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