[sillystring]

Go figure, tonight of all nights, no one's online or available on their phones or anything. Well, I shouldn't say that, I haven't tried to page my therapist yet, I thought about it, but haven't... because I saw her tonight. And I said I was fine at the end of our session. And I seriously thought I was. The session started with my drinking juice (which wasn't JUST juice, which she figured out quickly because me eating/drinking anything, especially in session, just is not normal for me and she knew that), and we talked about that briefly, and I hesitated on every question I answered, and so it became very evident that I wasn't doing okay. So I told her I had a somewhat difficult day today, and a HORRIBLE day on Tuesday, but I couldn't talk about the specifics, and she asked why, and I told her because I wouldn't be safe after I left if we did... and she surprisingly respected that, and was very careful (almost overly careful) when we were talking about other things... even things I said I was okay to talk about, she still was extremely careful to not make me more anxious or push me at all. So we talked about some things, worked through a bit, but nothing I couldn't handle. And I thought I was doing grand at the end.

Until now. Until I came home. Until I looked around my room, and remembered. Remembered unpacking some things from an old box, finding some of my grandpa's old things on Tuesday, and a wooden horse that he had carved for me himself, that he had intended as a Christmas present the year he died, that was unfinished.... I should get rid of it, part of me wants to, but part of me is afraid I may regret that as well. I'm almost as bad off as I was Tuesday now. Not quite as bad. But close. That's a scary feeling. I don't know what to do tonight any more... I didn't even tell my therapist ANYTHING about Tuesday. Because I want to so so so badly, I so want to talk about it, I want help, I want to just feel normal and happy again. But at the same time, if something as small as finding those items could make me feel so bad, I'm afraid what talking about it may trigger. When I found those items, for what seemed like several minutes, it felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt like everything was happening so fast, but in slow motion all at the same time. It felt like the world had just come crashing down and abruptly ended. I felt so much at once, so much that I don't even know how to begin identifying what I felt, and I just wished I could feel nothing at all. I wanted to feel numb. I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for forever. I wanted to cry, but if I cried, I honestly don't think I'd ever be able to stop. I'm fairly certain the first time we talk about it, I won't be able to go home alone that night.

How do I make myself okay? I feel like I can't have my therapist paged to talk to her, for several reasons. One of those being that I just saw her tonight. The other being that I was fine when I left, which makes me feel like I can't be not fine now. And also because I wouldn't be able to tell her the specifics of why I feel so horrible, because there's no possible way for her to make sure I'm okay if I just talk to her over the phone. And none of my roommates are around tonight, I haven't been able to reach any of my friends to talk to them or see if they can come over, and i just don't know where to turn to any more.