It's a shame you feel like you don't deserve better feelings, you are a good kind person and you are worthwhile. What scares you about speaking up? I think you should definitely let someone know where you're at right now and hopefully it will help you to avoid things getting worse. I hear that there is so much hopelessness and stress and pain for you right now. This is a time where it is absolutely right for you to be seeking some support. You deserve it.
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