there's nothing wrong with letting yourself have a bit of fun.
I don't think you need to go back to cutting. you probably just need to work out what it is you want out of the situation.
you want to be happy? well. you can try and be happy without the indulgences, can't you?
it sounds like you need to change your perspective on things. your future is brighter without the SI, and to me, it sounds like you're trying to do things to ruin aspects of your future because you feel like thats the way you're going.
but you're only going that way because you THINK you're going that way. does that make sense?
hope things get better soon.
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