RYL Forums - View Single Post

one_step_closer · 05-06-2018, 06:18 PM

I'm feeling hugely low. I didn't manage to share much with my CPN on Monday because I was so low, luckily she wasn't the person who was ill in Tesco though.

I only have a flimsy barrier to put up to try and protect me from overwhelming emotional pain and it rarely holds. This is life. Life is not about joy. Everyone experiences distress. I can't deal with it. I am a failure of a partial human. I don't want to feel this pain any more. There is no solution other than death, I have tried life things for 31 years. I have tried psychological and pharmaceutical techniques for more than half of my life. Life will never be the answer. I am alone. I have no one close to soothe me. If I try to soothe myself I don't believe what I say and I end up putting myself down and feeling awful for even considering showing myself kindness. And how much of this shit does my brother feel too? That is the worst thing. I am a pointless waste of natural and supportive resources. I'm too scared to stop seeking support because I know my pain will then be more intense. I need to die.

I need reassurance but it is brief, I'd be better moving quickly towards death which would be final. Hopefully there is no awareness after death. I can't find peace and relief in life. I don't want to continue with such massive suffering and distress. Do I have many more years left of this?

I am drowning but I never die. I just keep on struggling and choking and panicking. I don't have enough power to change anything. My brain and my emotions and my health are against me. There is no cure or way of managing. The world is too random and unpredictable and influenced easily by other people and natural forces. There is too much chaos. I can't control my own brain. I can't control my own emotions.

I have an opportunity soon where it might be easier to get to the place where I can kill myself. I thought about phoning my CPN but I shouldn't rely on other people anyway. I should figure things out for myself and/or stop saving myself. I don't know what I'm going to do.

05-06-2018, 06:18 PM	#873
one_step_closer The Shadow of the Day Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Scotland	I'm feeling hugely low. I didn't manage to share much with my CPN on Monday because I was so low, luckily she wasn't the person who was ill in Tesco though. I only have a flimsy barrier to put up to try and protect me from overwhelming emotional pain and it rarely holds. This is life. Life is not about joy. Everyone experiences distress. I can't deal with it. I am a failure of a partial human. I don't want to feel this pain any more. There is no solution other than death, I have tried life things for 31 years. I have tried psychological and pharmaceutical techniques for more than half of my life. Life will never be the answer. I am alone. I have no one close to soothe me. If I try to soothe myself I don't believe what I say and I end up putting myself down and feeling awful for even considering showing myself kindness. And how much of this shit does my brother feel too? That is the worst thing. I am a pointless waste of natural and supportive resources. I'm too scared to stop seeking support because I know my pain will then be more intense. I need to die. I need reassurance but it is brief, I'd be better moving quickly towards death which would be final. Hopefully there is no awareness after death. I can't find peace and relief in life. I don't want to continue with such massive suffering and distress. Do I have many more years left of this? I am drowning but I never die. I just keep on struggling and choking and panicking. I don't have enough power to change anything. My brain and my emotions and my health are against me. There is no cure or way of managing. The world is too random and unpredictable and influenced easily by other people and natural forces. There is too much chaos. I can't control my own brain. I can't control my own emotions. I have an opportunity soon where it might be easier to get to the place where I can kill myself. I thought about phoning my CPN but I shouldn't rely on other people anyway. I should figure things out for myself and/or stop saving myself. I don't know what I'm going to do.
	I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much. Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass. You didn't come this far just to come this far.