I'm terrified of things continuing this way but it maybe scares me more that my psychiatrist has said things will be less intense as I age. When there is less intensity there is a kind of emptiness/very low feeling and I don't like that either. I don't think I'll ever be ok with whatever life I have and that sounds like I want so much more than everyone else has. I did think at one point that maybe I could cope with a library assistant job but that would only be if lots of conditions were met like it was in a library in my local area, if I could sort out my sleep, etc, and real life doesn't work out perfectly. Plus there are very few library assistant positions around and many people will have more experience than me.
I think I'm mostly back to my usual level of distress. I felt sort of ok on Thursday when I saw the crisis team but then ended up back in a dark place very quickly. I can barely achieve anything day to day and I'm so worried that I will not get a favourable outcome with my benefits review. How am I supposed to do anything more than I am capable of? The DWP won't understand.
How is it even possible to enjoy life? I do not want this.
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