I'm a person who walks away from people who are struggling. I distanced myself from my friend because I couldn't cope with the more confrontational parts of her illness. I wasn't strong enough to be there for her. We just unintentionally hurt each other. When my brother is struggling I sometimes react in a seemingly angry way, because I'm scared and worried, so he probably doesn't share much with me. I am a worthless person. I contribute very little to people and I struggle to feel anything good about life. What is the point in me being here?
I can't even self harm or overdose to get some relief. My body says no, you must suffer. There really is very little point in me being alive. But what can I do about it? I will cause more pain for my brother if I get suicide wrong. I need someone to help me to die. The cats can be well looked after by someone else so that's not a reason to stick around. No one else can be my brother's sister but who needs a sister like me? He could have all my money. I'd stop actively bringing in money for him though. I don't want this pain. I see people living, finding partners and having children. I can't even imagine that for me and it's not even something I want. I don't fit into adult life. I don't fit into any form of life. Even ridiculous little things like the garden needing tidied, the car needing it's MOT, my hair needing cut. are getting to me. Suicide seems like the only solution because I can't face up to things and I can't tolerate anything.
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