I tried to phone a helpline but kept hanging up, phone calls really stress me. I did then phone my local informal crisis team and hung up once but managed to talk the second time because one of the rare people I know answered. There's no point in even talking to anyone. I get through crisis points and then another one hits. I want to stop getting through now, I need help to quit life.
The only things I 'look forward to' are appointments with professionals to talk about my mental health. That's sad. Holding everything inside except for half an hour once a fortnight when I see my CPN hurts. But I'm an adult and adults are supposed to be responsible for themselves. It's lonely trying to be responsible for myself, I need someone to be there for me. I can't have good supportive connections. I have no purpose in life other than to keep breathing so my brother doesn't lose another family member and so I can give him money when he needs it. I'm not sure that I even want any kind of purpose that I could achieve in life. I seriously just want to die and I have no idea how to make that possible or how to find something that makes life better.
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