RYL Forums - View Single Post

one_step_closer · 14-02-2018, 07:29 PM

Thank you both.

I phoned my CPN today but she wasn't there so I'm waiting on her phoning back at some point. I won't be able to predict when she's going to call so it will make me anxious and I might not be able to explain things properly since I won't have rehearsed it just before talking to her. My self hating mind is telling me that my CPN was there but didn't want to talk to me, since the receptionist tried her line and then told me she wasn't at her desk but was out seeing a patient. I know that at the main entrance to the health centre they have one of those in - out board things and I'm sure the receptionist upstairs should know who is in and who is out because although the board is downstairs they must have something similar in that office. I'm getting absolutely sick of being a person that people hate and a person who believes people may hate her whether they do or don't. I can't get into anyones head so they could be lying to me about not hating me.

I guess I feel very powerless when it comes to helping my brother so I often turn to strategies that seem to have less of a direct link to helping him because they are something to try and the men have told me in the past to do things like that to protect my brother. To protect other people too. I'm not so fixated on everyones safety right now, haven't been for a while, but I can never let go of the belief I have a lot of negative influence over how my brother is. I don't know if he has the ability to help himself, his mood is low and he's anxious which is probably stopping him from seeking help or doing things to make himself feel better. No one wants people they care about to hurt. My brother is really the only close family member I have and he has been so connected to me throughout our childhood so I've become really immersed in wanting things to be well for him. I don't know if it's possible for me to take a step back. It sounds like something I could maybe deal with in therapy if I was still seeing a psychologist but at the same time it seems like it's wrong to try and take a step back. Although I also know that if it was my brother putting so much emphasis on me I'd feel uncomfortable and I know that he does feel uncomfortable with the little he is aware of.

14-02-2018, 07:29 PM	#672
one_step_closer The Shadow of the Day Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Scotland	Thank you both. I phoned my CPN today but she wasn't there so I'm waiting on her phoning back at some point. I won't be able to predict when she's going to call so it will make me anxious and I might not be able to explain things properly since I won't have rehearsed it just before talking to her. My self hating mind is telling me that my CPN was there but didn't want to talk to me, since the receptionist tried her line and then told me she wasn't at her desk but was out seeing a patient. I know that at the main entrance to the health centre they have one of those in - out board things and I'm sure the receptionist upstairs should know who is in and who is out because although the board is downstairs they must have something similar in that office. I'm getting absolutely sick of being a person that people hate and a person who believes people may hate her whether they do or don't. I can't get into anyones head so they could be lying to me about not hating me. I guess I feel very powerless when it comes to helping my brother so I often turn to strategies that seem to have less of a direct link to helping him because they are something to try and the men have told me in the past to do things like that to protect my brother. To protect other people too. I'm not so fixated on everyones safety right now, haven't been for a while, but I can never let go of the belief I have a lot of negative influence over how my brother is. I don't know if he has the ability to help himself, his mood is low and he's anxious which is probably stopping him from seeking help or doing things to make himself feel better. No one wants people they care about to hurt. My brother is really the only close family member I have and he has been so connected to me throughout our childhood so I've become really immersed in wanting things to be well for him. I don't know if it's possible for me to take a step back. It sounds like something I could maybe deal with in therapy if I was still seeing a psychologist but at the same time it seems like it's wrong to try and take a step back. Although I also know that if it was my brother putting so much emphasis on me I'd feel uncomfortable and I know that he does feel uncomfortable with the little he is aware of.
	I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much. Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass. You didn't come this far just to come this far.