I've phoned crisis twice tonight and hung up both times because I don't know either of the people who are working today. I don't know a lot of the staff now, another one of the long term staff left last month. I don't want to have to try and explain everything from scratch. It's more than frustrating not being able to find the brain energy to work out a fool proof suicide plan or at least a risk taking plan. I feel stuck because I can't do anything at all to make things better. I can't just sit here but that's exactly what's happening. I'm breathing and not taking any steps towards anything. There is no quick fix for my brother, there is probably no fix for him full stop. I'm tempted to hide in bed but I know that is a place where I will have even more distressing thoughts with no means of getting away from them. I need someone to push me off the edge to my death. I just need some focus to do something risky! Just do it! I feel like I can't make a move to do anything big but I really, really want to end things. Give me some focus and energy, please.
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