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one_step_closer · 08-02-2018, 06:44 PM

Thank you both.

I'm feeling low and hopeless again. I met up with someone from an organisation about starting with them to do some gardening/outdoors stuff on their site, they focus on getting volunteers who have mental health problems so I though it might be a safe thing to try. I really don't think I can even give it a shot. I was so overwhelmed just getting a tour of the place from a very nice lady. It's all so unfamiliar to me and I could feel myself skipping between feeling anxious to dissociating a little. I didn't feel able to tell the lady that I don't think I can do it. She signed me up to come on the 20th from 9am to 3pm, I can't deal with long days like that and there isn't an option to do a half day because they have pick up times because the site isn't accessible via bus or walking. I don't think I could even do a half day anyway, it seems far too much to deal with. I'm such a failure. I'm going to phone my CPN because the lady asked if I would let her know how the visit went or if she would phone my CPN so I said I'd phone her. I don't know if my CPN will understand or will tell me to at least try. This is something I don't think I can survive even a trial of. I actually just can't do anything worthwhile in life. I thought that I was only built to endure but even enduring things is becoming too much. I cut myself but not badly. I want to destroy myself. I want to end my existence.

My brother is on a short trip away with his partner and he didn't enjoy the flight and didn't get any sleep the night before so when they had problems with booking things he said that literally nothing is going right this year. Today he said he's much better because he had a good sleep and the booking thing got sorted anyway. Maybe right now he's ok but I'm sure he has much more not ok times than ok times. A lot of it is my fault because of the mess I made when we were growing up. I feel powerless, but a part of me wonders if I can figure out rituals to do to help him or find a way to sacrifice myself. For now I don't have the brain energy or the physical energy to think or do anything about it. I long to put myself in a dangerous situation. I hate myself.

08-02-2018, 06:44 PM	#658
one_step_closer The Shadow of the Day Join Date: Oct 2004 Location: Scotland	Thank you both. I'm feeling low and hopeless again. I met up with someone from an organisation about starting with them to do some gardening/outdoors stuff on their site, they focus on getting volunteers who have mental health problems so I though it might be a safe thing to try. I really don't think I can even give it a shot. I was so overwhelmed just getting a tour of the place from a very nice lady. It's all so unfamiliar to me and I could feel myself skipping between feeling anxious to dissociating a little. I didn't feel able to tell the lady that I don't think I can do it. She signed me up to come on the 20th from 9am to 3pm, I can't deal with long days like that and there isn't an option to do a half day because they have pick up times because the site isn't accessible via bus or walking. I don't think I could even do a half day anyway, it seems far too much to deal with. I'm such a failure. I'm going to phone my CPN because the lady asked if I would let her know how the visit went or if she would phone my CPN so I said I'd phone her. I don't know if my CPN will understand or will tell me to at least try. This is something I don't think I can survive even a trial of. I actually just can't do anything worthwhile in life. I thought that I was only built to endure but even enduring things is becoming too much. I cut myself but not badly. I want to destroy myself. I want to end my existence. My brother is on a short trip away with his partner and he didn't enjoy the flight and didn't get any sleep the night before so when they had problems with booking things he said that literally nothing is going right this year. Today he said he's much better because he had a good sleep and the booking thing got sorted anyway. Maybe right now he's ok but I'm sure he has much more not ok times than ok times. A lot of it is my fault because of the mess I made when we were growing up. I feel powerless, but a part of me wonders if I can figure out rituals to do to help him or find a way to sacrifice myself. For now I don't have the brain energy or the physical energy to think or do anything about it. I long to put myself in a dangerous situation. I hate myself.
	I put it down on paper and then the ghost does not ache so much. Don't try to calm the storm, calm yourself, the storm will pass. You didn't come this far just to come this far.