I saw my CPN yesterday and it was better than I expected. I think she can see that I can't deal with too much right now. She said I need to be more assertive with my friend but I haven't been. She thinks starting back at the gym group that is run by the organisation my support worker is from is a good way to desensitise me to social situations. I went back today and was really anxious after about half an hour because the men (in my head) were distressing me and making me worry about the safety of everyone. I got through anyway. I'm worried about going next week because this week my support assistant came with me but she's not coming with me again and if I got distressed I wouldn't have someone to try and help me. I could speak to the worker who takes the group but I wouldn't want to divert her from the rest of the people/draw attention to myself and also I don't think I'd feel very comfortable talking to her if I was distressed.
I'm seeing my psychiatrist on the 22nd and my CPN asked if I wanted her to come with me but I said I'd be ok. Although my CPN was being mostly understanding about how much I can and can't cope with I'm not sure that my psychiatrist will be, I think he'll be wanting me to move forward quickly. I'm thinking maybe I should have said my CPN could come to the appointment but at the same time that's two people in the room to see me and maybe try and push me into something. Even people who end up in hospital usually only take a bit of time off work and then get back to it but I've been unemployed for nearly 8 years and I've been out of hospital for 5 months now so I really should be moving on. I'm scared that there might be so much expectation from other people of what I should be doing.
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