Thank you both. My day always starts off with a huge amount of dread and anxiety because I know I have to go out to see to the cat and it seems like a huge task. It's not as bad as I imagine when I get there but it's hard to leave my house twice a day and have so much responsibility. I need to talk to my friend on the phone because it's not fair that I keep telling her I can only text, she needs some reassurance that her cat and flat are ok. I honestly just avoid everything that gives me any sense of discomfort as much as I possibly can. I get extra anxious because I don't feel safe driving in this weather. I'm really selfish in that I avoid as many stressors as possible. Life is uncomfortable and I have to learn to deal with it. It makes me more suicidal to think of what might change in the near future that will add more anxiety to my life that I don't want to feel. Do I think I'm someone special who doesn't need to go through adult issues?
I had a thought today that I might be ok working in admin/data entry. I had a lot online and then thought I'd be interested in medical admin because I like medical stuff but don't think I could be a healthcare professional. I don't want to go back into education though, I only have admin as a Higher. I know some places do training on the job but the NHS requires experience. I can't volunteer because organisations will want someone who knows what they're doing rather than having to be told. I can't do this anyway. I ran out of motivation very quickly, not that there was much to begin with. The only thing I really want to do is destroy myself physically. I want to go back to bad self harm times. I want to act on my suicidal impulses. I'm such a terrible person.
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